Briarcliff Poorjohn

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Briarcliff Poorjohn
(Bobcat, F)
ID# 1148
No. 5 – Baltimore Spirits
Position Forward
Species Bobcat ( Felidae )
Gender Female
Personal information
Born Milwaukee, WI
Listed height 6 ft 10 in (2.08 m)
Listed weight 222 lb (101 kg)
Shoots Right-handed
Career information
School Atlanta Felidae University
FBA draft 2020 / Round: 2 / Pick: 28th overall
Selected by the Alaska Arctics
Pro playing career 2020–present
Career history
2020 - 2022 Alaska Arctics
2022-present Baltimore Spirits
Contract information
Contract year 2020
2023 Salary $5 million
Player Contacts
(IC) Agent Kinto Mythostian
(OOC) Creator Kinto Mythostian
(OOC) Actor Unknown
(OOC) Usage Ask me before any use


Briarcliff Poorjohn is what you might call a late bloomer. The bobkitten didn’t learn to walk until she was two. She didn’t do much talking until she was four. She didn’t discover basketball until she was in middle school. She’s never had a boyfriend, but don’t tell her I told you that.

But when she does get around to blooming, she’s a titan arum—wait, no, that’s a bad analogy. Um. A rose? I don’t think that does her justice. She’s a big and beautiful flower, is what I’m getting at, and she smells wonderful. Like a bobcat perfume.

She talks in full sentences, with a good vocabulary, and she walks real good. And she plays basketball with the best of them.

Briarcliff comes from Milwaukee, where her family—well, they—Look, what her family does for a living isn’t important. She’s got a large extended family, and she loves them and would go to war for them, but she’s not especially proud of the Poorjohn reputation and has no interest in the family business. She’d much rather make an honest name for herself. Pay no attention to the other Poorjohns. Also don’t ask why they saddled their youngest daughter with the name Briarcliff.

They tried their best, really.

But the basketball. Briarcliff was a solid sixth fur on her high school squad for three years. Then after her junior year she hit a huge growth spurt, there’s that late bloomer thing again, and she was starting power forward when her team won the state championship her senior year.

I’m not expecting you all to be impressed by a Wisconsin state high school champion. That’s obviously not enough by itself to justify FBA caliber.

But it was enough to get her accepted to Atlanta Felidae University on a partial scholarship.

She struggled at first. Let’s be frank, her first two years at AFU wouldn’t impress anyone. But she didn’t give up! She’s a late bloomer! Her third year, she was second on the team in steals, coming off the bench! Her fourth year she—well, okay she was still a sixth fur. But she kept getting better, her averages—points, steals, assists, all that good stuff—following a consistent upward trajectory the entire season. By the end of AFU’s FCAA tournament run she was really coming into her own. Very probably the best sixth fur in the FCAA. Absolute starter-caliber play on just about any team. Maybe AFU could’ve beaten Claiborne if she was a starter! And for that, many scouts may have overlooked her, but that’s their loss.

But her uncle noticed, and he called up her parents, and they called up an acquaintance—look, don’t ask how the Poorjohns know Simon Thal—and that acquaintance called up his old agent, and that agent called up Briarcliff, and kept calling, until she finally decided at the last possible minute to submit her name for the 2020 FBA draft! Way to go, Briarcliff!

Is she going to be rookie of the year if you draft her? It’s entirely possible! There are good odds her upward trajectory from her last year of college ball could still be rising! I’m not a fortune teller!